I have been watching the local news about a mother and son who killed the father. It was the climax to the son’s lifelong exposure to his father’s violent attacks against his mother. It is undetermined who pulled the trigger – the mother or the son. With such doubt, neither may ever be convicted of murder.
In the aftermath of the killing, arrest and trial – a whole community displays purple ribbons on their mailboxes to show their support for the family. It is a visible sign of their solidarity towards the mother and son.
In the aftermath of the killing, arrest and trial – a whole community displays purple ribbons on their mailboxes to show their support for the family. It is a visible sign of their solidarity towards the mother and son.
Wearing purple is a great way to showcase your support behind a family who has suffered much. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month – there needs to be more light shed on what defines domestic violence, there needs to be more advertising of the resources and agencies available to victims – available to survivors. Compounding this, many victims do not self-classify as victims. Many crimes go unreported. Therefore, those who can benefit greatly from these services aren’t even aware of the resources available to help them out of their toxic and damaging relationships. I didn't, until I was directed to Domestic Violence Court. And I wish I knew of all the resources available to me then, as I do now. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in the US have experienced rape, physical violence at the hands of someone they (have) love(d). On average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner. In 2 out of 3 female homicide cases, the female was killed by a partner. More than 3 million children per year witness domestic violence. Children are more likely to intervene when they witness severe violence against a parent. Most women who are brought to the ER due to intimate partner violence were socially isolated and had few social and financial resources. So as I watch the story of this tragedy unfold, I am filled with sadness for this mother and son. Homicide is never a solution. We should never justify the intentional killing of another human. There will be consequences for the choice they made – as there should be. However, it’s not so black and white. How much pain did this woman suffer? How much violence did their son witness? I’ve heard a lot of responses to this tragedy, ranging from he got what he deserved to she should have left. Trauma has a way of changing your reality. Fear has a way of creating self-doubt. Being in constant fight or flight increases adrenaline. This continued mental state of arousal decreases the production of serotonin. Depression sets in. The victim becomes despondent and despairs that there is no out. The abuser creates trauma bonding. He uses blackmail. He gaslights. She’s brainwashed. There is a cycle. Sometimes, when a person is so far mentally gone, they don’t even realize that they can escape. Perhaps they feel as if they don’t deserve escape. We’ll never know all the intricacies that took place within that home. But I hope, for all those who showcase their purple ribbons this month, that there is not just solidarity of feeling. Healthy, stable human beings recognize the intentional harm of another person is not acceptable. It's not too hard to recognize that. We can all be united in that thought. But wearing purple won’t make it stop. There needs to be solidarity of action, too. The first thing you can do for a victim is stop the assumptions of what she should have done. Don’t project your expectations into a situation you do not understand. Listen to her story. Gain her trust. Help connect her to professionals. Don’t judge her. Don’t blame her ex (even though he is a P.O.S. it only instigates her defenses, a behavior she is so used to doing with him). And when she is ready to leave, support her and empower her. I challenge everyone to learn one new thing about domestic violence. Who's abused? Who perpetrates? What real or perceived barriers block a women's escape - because women don't leave abusive partners, they escape? For more information on how to help, visithttp://www.ncadv.org/need-help/friends-and-family |