My second day.... it was easier than the last.
I get off the elevator and he was already there. It’s been 10 months since I’ve told him I wanted the divorce, since I last saw him. He hugged me then, and thanked me for waiting until he was released from jail and said how much he loved me. But from then until now, there has been no display of that gratitude or love. The image I once had of him is gone, and in the absence of that security I once felt, I feel naked, vulnerable, broken, fearful, anxious…tougher. | I wish I feel as resolute as I know that I am. |
I am embarrassed by any emotion or though that seems contrary to strength. How dare I feel anything but resolved to remove him from my life. How dare I feel anything but happiness to be able to move on. But the shock and pain always threatens to eclipse any progress I make. I look back and see how far I’ve come and remind myself that I need to extend grace to myself. |
When I was younger, I envisioned myself of standing in a court room. People grow up, they change, and I moved on to different interests. But now I sit opposite a judge, beside my ex, and this big expanse of a room. I feel small. Perhaps instead of feeling intimidated by the space, it is allowing me the space and freedom to grow.
Some creatures grow in proportion to the space they live. I was once confined. Not by physical walls but by the torment of shame. As I struggled with the depression that came crashing over me like a tidal wave, confined from help I so desperately needed, by the belief reinforced by someone I loved that something was wrong with me. Humans are funny; we believe the words spoken to us by those we care about. I’ve learned to be cautious with my care. I am fragile, but I see now that I am resilient.
And I’m so incredibly grateful for the care of others coming to me. I feel peace because I know that there are others present, in that room, who can and will help me. There is peace because there are some who have given themselves to the profession of helping others, who have equipped themselves with the necessary knowledge and experience. I can have peace because I know that when I feel weak, I am surrounded by others who are strong, who extend that strength to me. And I know that I am strong.
Each time I sit in that DV office and walk out of that court room, I am filled with even more peace and refreshed optimism. This time, I feel a little stronger, a little braver, more determined, and dare I say it…a little more restored?
Things don’t always turn out the way I would like. I am blindsided at times by the audacious requests of my ex. I grow more tired as each day drags out. Each day seems to bring a new disappointment. But each day brings a new sense of purpose. A need to keep pushing.
Some creatures grow in proportion to the space they live. I was once confined. Not by physical walls but by the torment of shame. As I struggled with the depression that came crashing over me like a tidal wave, confined from help I so desperately needed, by the belief reinforced by someone I loved that something was wrong with me. Humans are funny; we believe the words spoken to us by those we care about. I’ve learned to be cautious with my care. I am fragile, but I see now that I am resilient.
And I’m so incredibly grateful for the care of others coming to me. I feel peace because I know that there are others present, in that room, who can and will help me. There is peace because there are some who have given themselves to the profession of helping others, who have equipped themselves with the necessary knowledge and experience. I can have peace because I know that when I feel weak, I am surrounded by others who are strong, who extend that strength to me. And I know that I am strong.
Each time I sit in that DV office and walk out of that court room, I am filled with even more peace and refreshed optimism. This time, I feel a little stronger, a little braver, more determined, and dare I say it…a little more restored?
Things don’t always turn out the way I would like. I am blindsided at times by the audacious requests of my ex. I grow more tired as each day drags out. Each day seems to bring a new disappointment. But each day brings a new sense of purpose. A need to keep pushing.